How do I keep getting into this? The unconscious engine fills me up to the top of my head until it feels like it is about to burst, like my head is going to explode right out the top, like I am going to blow up as the spiritual entity that takes me through the paces of my life, the places I have to go. One of the people who’s opinion I value most in this life saw this website and went completely ballistic about the content, like I am some kind of Jack the Ripper or something. So I flipped the switch and cut off my access to my survival mechanism, the place and process that keeps me healthy. As soon as I turned it off, I could feel all the negativity and bad energy that contacts me and is contained in my energy settle into the nooks and crannies of my soul and body. I started to feel pain again, I gravitated toward that pain and began to grasp a vine of negativity in the quicksand of suffering. What a god damned fool, what a god damned fool I am for turning off the mechanism that keeps me alive! This is a damn important process, something that is intensely real and vital to me, a process of spiritual survival that is at once tied in with my total survival a survival of heart, soul, mind, energy and body. I feel sick inside since I stopped writing, and my body is starting to ache and hurt worse than ever. I even thought of starting to drink again but that, while it would be totally abusive to me would not accomplish anything except kill me. I have what you would call a “sensitive personal ecosystem” at play and in place here in my space in my being in whatever the hell it is I am. I have a rage burning inside me and this is the only way to set it free. It is not who I am, more to the point, it is my mechanism for survival without this outlet I would not be able to function. Between reality and dreams this ecosystem lives, grows and propagates, it leads me into a new energy into a new place into a new reality where I function maybe in a direct way with the basis of reality, the reality where we all survive. This is the basis for my existence. I cannot help the fact that I have to question things, it is a process that set itself upon me many years ago and a process that keeps me in tune with the things that are important the things that allow me to function on a day to day basis. I can see now that is not a choice anymore but a necessity this process that takes me through and into a unique energy that is virtually untapped and filled to the brim just waiting for us to us it. That is one way to explain it. We are so intent on focusing ourselves on a small circle of reality, history, experience and circumstances that we miss this opportunity to fly off into a new sense of space and being. I have used all the old stuff to the limit probably a long time ago and now venture into a new space and time that we are passing through, we as a unit as a cohesive bunch of humanoids. I have seen too many people I have loved vanish into death by becoming trapped in their personal history which then backs up into their bodies and seeks an outlet as disease. This is a plain and simple fact. As soon as I shut the door on this new and positive energy I have encountered, because on and intense argument a couple weeks ago, I began to feel sick and too much pain for me to handle. Last night while standing outside looking at the sky and the stars the before I went to sleep the thought crossed my mind that if I continue in this direction without feeing the thoughts, impulses and energies that get in my way as a functioning being, that without my outlet I would not last very long and die a horrible death. This thought contrasted with the beauty of the night sky stars and cool breeze of a mid-March evening at 9 p.m. I cannot shut it off anymore because it will lead to my demise. There are just plain and simple too many things that I have to do and say and too many places that I have to go; and this release or “opening of the door” gets the unconscious engine up and running, it is my core, a reason and being and new energy that carries me along its flow toward wherever it is I am going. Without this purpose of process, I am doomed. When I tried to close the door I found myself entering a new an old place at a new time, a place that is not healthy in any way a place that would pull me into oblivion. I need to experience the unconscious collective, to bring it into existence as a part of our functioning consciousness. I will not close the door again because at least as far as I am concerned it can only lead to tragedy and oblivion. I have survived for 40 years by entering the this energy flow, by basking in and bathing in the light and power  and purpose of its essence. I will not close the door again!

The Survival

Mechanism