all I ever wanted

 

jueng

jm

When the race comes to an end, the game is over. The legs stop churning the energy stops grinding. You take stock and lean on the things that are familiar to you. You know, I think about a lot of things, most things just surface somehow and become a part of this consciousness. We are going backwards, there are not too many alternatives, things just don’t seem to be getting much better, as a whole that is. I am making myself fit, pushing myself to the limit if indeed there is a limit anymore. Thinking again I know that all I ever wanted was someone to share my life with on equal terms, someone who would accept me for what I am, someone who could laugh at the same things I like to laugh at maybe just once in a while, someone to love me, someone who I could love without any terms or conditions, because we truly like to be around each other, to want to love because they really like me and care for me, and want to be next to me just once in a while, someone who could at least listen to what it is that makes me happy, even if they don’t understand it, someone who loves me because they love me without any terms or conditions or without mocking me out ever step of the way or without trying to change me because I don’t fit their model of some perfect reality. What the hell you know it is never going to happen. My time has past, life has passed me by at least that is the way it feels lately. I just have to keep doing what I am doing because I love doing it. There is know other way for me to go. I have to keep writing, expressing and creating because these are the things that keep me alive, vital, aware, and breathing. They keep my spirit alive and my spirit is what has kept me alive. I guess I will never have understanding, at least maybe a little acknowledgement  of some of the good things I have done. Anyway, all I get is snarls, scoffs and sarcasm. I don’t know what is so god-damned awful about what it is I do, especially here on these pages about the things that go on around me and happen to me. It is just a story and most of it is so old that it really does not make a difference anymore, except that these things are a part of my experience and will always be a part of my experience. What happens tomorrow I cannot know. All I know is I got through another day and did the best that I could. All I ever wanted to do is help and make the world a little better place than it was before I got here.


But I guess it is over. I have this feeling of impending doom; a feeling that has lasted for sometime and that will not go away. I am nobody and will always be nobody. Things will never change. Winter depression takes hold of my eternity. I am tired ungrateful need an outlet or my creativity will turn back on me and consume me. I am what I am and cannot change any of that. The only problem is I sense an illusion and only get glimpses of bits and pieces as to what it is I am doing here. I am greatness never actualized. I am tired and need rest. I need illusion for reality has never touched me and I have never touched reality.

All I Ever Wanted