reflecting night sky|why am i here

 

jueng

jm

Last night I was outside with our new dog. The temperature here has not been above freezing for the better part of a week, the ground is frozen, really frozen, like cement hard, and the sky was clear, crystal clear and dark, no moon, there was not a lot of available light. As is my habit, I always look into the southwest sky, never south, east, west or north, always the southeast. I was staring at the sky, taking deep breaths and waiting for Zeke to do his business. Out of my mouth came the words “how did I end up on planet earth?” I often talk to myself, just to get things sorted out, but this one kind of surprised me. It was a familiar voice talking, it was my voice, and the words were clear, concise, profound, and meaningful. Usually I say things from the unconscious and just kind of don’t pay attention. This time I listened and heard what I was saying. How did I end up on planet earth? It was a tough day. For some reason, negativity is following me around. This must be a time of big life change for me. I fell down again as I was going to bed. I forgot the barricade I built to keep the dog out of the main living room, and as I walked toward the stairs to go bed, my shins hit the old piano bench that I had laid on the floor to block the door. I was holding the cat and fell face first onto my elbows and hands and let me feet slip out from underneath me out backwards to avoid any injury. I am getting pretty good at protecting myself, with three falls and a vicious thump on the head from a 30 pound spud bar that drew blood and put a dent in my skull. Last nights fall shook me up pretty good, gave me a head ache, and put a bump and bruise on my shin. This has to be a life change epoch, or I am just not paying attention to what I am doing,, or I am physically ill. I don’t know. I have made very effort to keep up with things and have sorted many things out this winter. As with all times of change, there are risks and rewards. There is some unconscious motivation at work here. Something is going on. I am tired, drained, and a little lost right now.


On the other hand, I see some direction and feel pretty good physically, heal quickly, and feel a deep renewed strength welling up from way down inside me. It is an exciting time and a dangerous time, a time I have been through many times before. I am trying to live in the present, and not worry too much about things that I cannot control. Like everyone else on earth, this has always been a problem. It is a cycle. Many losses, illness, people and beings close to me dying, all these things take their toll on one’s well-being. I don’t know where this is going. I do know that I have established a new groundwork for something in my life and I will go on to where it is I am going, in some way, shape or form. I took a series of deep breath with my eyes closed and saw myself outlined , my entire energy system, in a soft yellow light. It happened spontaneously, as deep breaths are part of my training from many years of pain management and biofeedback, many many hours to make it deep and ingrained. I forget to breath often, and end up holding my breath for long periods of time probably out of my fear reaction (see chapter titled Fear). I just want things to calm down, and I am looking for some peace and serenity. But the meat grinder keeps catching me, and dragging me back into the misery of a persistent war that rages inside me. Although now it is closer to the surface again. I need to find some calm. I will continue to focus on that distant light far off on a shore that i have not visited. Most likely I will go alone as the currents of time and space carry me forth not as being physical, but as a timeless entity framed in the soft golden yellow of what is is that I really am. I will go along unvisited free of my earth bound attitudes and encumbrances. I will follow the plane of least resistance, and maybe then I will learn to get along.  How did I end up on planet earth?

NIght

Time

Sky