fear survival|suffering|mental paralysis|let me out

 

jueng

jm

Just leave me alone with the pathetic creature that I am! Fear causes me suffering and pain, fear makes me hurt myself, fear I have to knock it out of me, fear I have to get rid of it, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, you can’t hide from fear, you can’t intellectualize it, you can’t get away from it, fear sticks in your gut once it takes hold it will not let go of you it grabs you by the balls chokes the life out of you makes you tired fills you with pain, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear. You can stare it down face to face look it right in the eye but it won’t go away, it won’t go away, it won’t go away, until the situation that caused the fear in the first place becomes a reality until you actually go through the circumstance that initiated the fear becomes and experience. You have to through it to either get to the other side or carry it with you forever until you can confront it and conquer it. Fear whatever the cause is a major drain on the nervous system and your entire being and well being. Fear is always with us, it shows itself in all kinds of physical signs, symptoms, mind games, and illness. 

Fear, my mortal enemy friend to no one the thing that eats away away me the thing the entity the being the feeling that will probably kill me the sensation that causes this gnawing in the pit of my stomach the sensation that sticks in the pit of my being like a chainsaw ripping at my insides eating away at me slowly and steadily I recognize it I have looked at it lived with it for so long  FEAR is my constant companion causing me to fail time and time again to not breath to try to kill myself to kill and be rid of the fear. how do you survive fear how can you can past it and conquer it? I could climb to the highest peak and scream but it would probably still be with me fear is native to my being an integral part of me that never seems to go a way fear paralyzes me makes me incapable of action makes me spit up acid makes me feel pressure makes me alone makes me tired makes me unable to to do or be anything leaves me in the gutter, the gutter of life and broke being, dreams that never happen things that are never finished things that just pop up and go away, things I want to do but will never do, things that make me crazy things that won’t leave me alone things that leave me crying in the dark, alone at night, looking out the front window for an answer, trying and not trying, hoping it would all go away. I practice dying but I am still alive, fear won’t permit me to die just yet. I am am afraid of dying so I am still alive, I am afraid of a lot of things  but I keep on doing them anyway. What is there to be afraid of fear is just a feeling a shadow and movement in the night that becomes a sound or reflection or shadow that blows in the wind scaring me half to death, not all the way, becomes it all comes from inside of me, and leaves me screaming, waiting, hoping for a better day that never seems to get here depressed at the very core of my being beyond all belief even i cannot believe it I hurry from one thing to the next stressed and thinking there is something I have to do but in reality there is nothing I have to do.


I panic then retreat back inside me hiding from the illusion that I am on the outside strong a powerful and invincible but on the inside I am tight, wound, and running scared afraid of everything afraid of my own illusion, afraid of my own eternity afraid that I will be born again afraid that I will not be able to handle the journey. Where are all the souls and saints and spirits that were supposed to help me along the way? Where are all the angels? Where is that guy that was happy smiling an just glad to be here? Is he still there is he still here is he still alive or is he gone buried in the experience of life the experience that wears us all down and kills us buries us deep within our ow inadequacies, our own illusions that bury us and seal our fate leaves us all alone in a crowd if a million people always alone crying inside feeling nothing but sorry and emptiness a deep emptiness a shattered dream a buried idea, the idea of of how things can go down this way and continue on for such a very long time. It is time to look the curtain aside to look beyond and behind to the other side. I can tell fear to go away, but it will not go away until I let it go. It is all up to me, to release the projection to release the fear, to let it float away into the emptiness that consumes and empowers me that resides at the very depth and core of whatever it is that I am, inside deep and flowing  with the flow of the universe, the cosmos, the unspoken world where feelings are just feelings and beings are just beings, yes just beings, covered with the flow without tension, alone and not alone, joined with the center of it all.

Fear