Termination time the jungle calls silence golden sunrise mist filled journey the monkey follows as sound and light and sensation fill every nuance of my being, in the totalistic sense there is room to follow a dream but now it seems inconsequential. Ferry boats cross waves of malice, I am not sure where to turn or what to go. giant vegetables in need of sunlight picked from the vine with a terminal machine made of discarded parts and black metal basins, formed long ago inside a primeval churning, a current that carries life beyond the dream state and into the forbidden land. My mind keeps drifting back to many mistakes and intuition based fears belong to me now, scenarios of outcomes that follow actions that I never should have taken but this time I was really a victim of the system and could not figure out how to get out of it. I have no excuses it is totally on my shoulders, I dreamed the dream but just could not find an answer, so I did nothing and await the outcome. My dream jungle garden of eden holds my hand above the glistening sunlight, I am the dream the current of hard earned reality that flows past the knowledge that I may some day actually figure out what is going on. It is a miserable existence as I approach the front steps, remade from bricks and stone slabs, with a realization of astounding proportions, then forget what it was fifteen seconds later. I am lost in my state of being so far ahead in many ways but still stuck in the same God forbidden place that I have been all my life. I know so much but I don’t know anything and I don’t see anything wrong with using abbreviations in writing since there are no rules anymore, and the important thing is to get down what you have to say in an honest, forthcoming and personal manner that is understandable and coherent, record the way your mind works. Let the unconscious flow bubble to the surface make ideas become reality. I am sick of remembering and sick of all the rules that are not rules and sick of trying to be something that I do not know how to be. I am sick of doing the right thing all the time at least sick of trying to do the right thing all the time. Just once I’d like to do what I have to do and get away with it without having my entire world crash down over my head and settle around my ankles. I am sick to death of being what being is supposed to be instead of being what it is that being is. Behind the curtain that is where the truth lies, things be what they have to be, the mystery is the puzzle, why do things always have to get complex then merge with chaos in the this never ending cauldron of insanity, chaos, and forbidden reality. Why do the stupid things always have to come your way just when you think things are turning around. I know the answers and have faced all the questions, although I certainly know that some things are not always what they seem to be. I can still see the faces of the naysayers of the fabulous many who I am trying to leave behind, but cannot find a means to an end or a way to get through the front lines of the war that wages within me. Just when I think it is calming down it  starts to get how again, just when I think I have reached a state of some kind of equilibrium another door opens and chaos streams in a giant wave of power and surges straight into me face on head on into the very core of my being, another thing to figure out, and live again with the circumstances. I am going slowly tis time, leaving myself a little safety valve, and a figment of an imaginary place where calm and knowing take the place of the churning grinding existence of who and what it is that I am. I lead those who know nothing, as what I know is nothing to be ashamed of, but for some reason it is just never enough. Can I get past this dilemma? Time in its infinite wisdom will be the judge, and chaos in its infinite understanding will inevitably control the meaningless interplay of all the parts, the pointless head banging of the many realities, the scattered meanderings of everything that encompasses any situation and dictate the outcome whether I like it or not. Fate will again take a part in the entire process leaving me with an answer as to whether of not things are going in a different direction.

When I left therapy for my knee the other day and driving west on Route 20  I was the only car on the road going in either direction, and a realization swept over me as I watched the rain and snow pelt my windshield that I was at last going in the right direction, that my old life was over and that I was finally headed on the right road, or at very least on another road, with a calmness that I have very seldom experienced. Whatever that is, I think I will try to hold on to it. On the other hand, I will fate to rear its head and present me with the gurgling monster of the unexpected that so often crosses and blocks my path, leaving me to fight again another battle with resources that I didn’t know I possessed. I surrender again to the forces of chaos and look forward to the chance to survive.

Calm

In

Chaos